The Two Gentlemen of Tantalus
by Lake Desire
Summary: **COMPLETE** Drunken misfortune leads Zidane and Blank into a community of farm hicks very eager to marry. Told from Zidane's POV, this is guarantied to be one of the weirdest FFIX fics you've ever read. R/R, you'll like it.
1. Drunken Misfortune

Thank you, everyone, for your patience while I finished this! And thank you, everyone, who put me on your favorites and gave me such encouraging reviews. I appreciate your support. I hope you enjoy The Two Gentlemen of Tantalus in its entirety. It will might definitely be the weirdest Final Fantasy IX fan fiction you have ever read. 

Life's an interesting thing, really. Hanging with a gang like Tantalus promises excitement. Performing a play one night and robbing a fat, overdressed noble the next leaves little room for boredom. Yet, at sixteen years of age I was still looking for more. My life was incredibly lacking when it came to one thing. 

Women. 

Flirting is a game. I'm challenged to read into a girl to find out what it is she wants to hear and simply say it. I've gotten a lot of dates that way. No one in particular ever kept my interested past a second meeting, but, hey, what can a guy do about it? The girls who fell for my lines were too eager for their own good, making them completely lacking intellectually. Odd enough, at sixteen I was still a virgin by choice rather than lack of opportunity, though I let the boys think what they like. I had girls throwing themselves at me, but they were the kind who would be with any guy. Egotistical, perhaps, but I like to think of myself as a little bit more than your common thief. Although I hate to admit it, there was a time it came pretty close, although I'd hardly call the diminutive teenager common. 

"Yo Zidane, heads up!" Blank shouted, tossing me a beer. Tipsy, he aimed terribly low and the bottle hit the deck and rolled towards me. I curled my tail around the glass, snatching it up before it rolled off the deck. I leaned against the railing of our theater ship, Prima Vista. My best friend, Blank, and I were the only two still awake--perhaps conscious would been a more accurate term--after Tantalus had spent the evening partying in honor of Baku's birthday. Prima Vista hovered above a patch of meadow about twenty five miles west of Lindbulm. 

"You're smashed, Blank," I challenged, my words slurred, leaning idly against the rail. I sipped the beer with slouched shoulders, bored. 

"Not as much as you are," he replied, belching. He playfully punched my shoulder. 

"Naw," I grinned and vaulted onto the rail. I held up my hands in a shrug as I balanced on the narrow beam. "See?" 

Alcohol is terrible. I began to wobble. So maybe while drunk wasn't the best time to be showing off. Oops. My feet went out from under me and I went flying. My hand shot and caught the edge of the deck. 

"Zidane!" Blank cried as I dangled dangerously on the wrong side of the railing. The ground seemed such further below than its fifteen feet. A fall wouldn't kill me, but I didn't fancy breaking my leg. 

Blank hopped over the railing, feeling his way. He relied more on feeling than sight because the enchanted belt that helped his vision was not always dependable. Hanging onto a vertical bar so he could lower himself towards me, I used my free hand to take Blank's. 

"Whoops," he yelped as his grip slipped and footing went out. My stomach lurched with nausea as we went flying from the ship. 

THUMP. THUMP. Instinctively I rolled, breaking my fall on a bed of moss. 

"Damn," I muttered. "You okay, Blank?" 

"Never been better," he chuckled and collapsed. I soon followed. There was no way for us to climb back onto the floating ship since Baku withdrew the ladder at night, and he certainly wouldn't want to be woken. Besides, Cinna or Marcus would lower the ladder for us in the morning without telling Baku about our little mishap. I curled up beside Blank and drifted into sleep with one hand rested on my dagger. 

"Zidane! Wake up," Blank shook me out of my sleep. "The Prima Vista is leaving with out us!" 

"My head... hungover. Go away," I growled, rolling so my back was against him. "What?" I shot up. My back popped as I leapt to my feet, more limping with soreness than running as I tore after Blank across the meadow. 

"Wait!" we shouted, arms flailing. The Prima Vista picked up speed and rolled into the horizon. Exhausted, we watched as the bulk of the ship was lost in the glare of the rising sun. 

"Shit," I muttered in between breaths. "What do ... we do ... now?" 

"We walk," Blank snapped. We were cranky and hungry and hung-over. Not a good combination. We set out, marching in silence towards Lindbulm. Blank and I had been pals for so long we'd fight like siblings when our moods were fowl. 

We didn't speak for about a half an hour. The sun soon rose high enough to glare in my face. I wiped my brow, feeling disgusting in yesterday's clothing. I'd give a hundred Gil for a half decent shower. At least we both were equipped, so we probably could handle any monsters roaming the plains. A fool let his weapon leave his side and that fool was dead. 

"Zidane, behind you!" Blank interrupted my thoughts, breaking the silence. I pivoted around to see a great blue dragon rapidly approaching. It was only a juvenile, but I didn't fancy sticking around to find out if the two of us could take out a beast the size of a small cottage. I didn't have a phoenix down, so if Blank was knocked out I'd be stuck dragging him twenty miles back to Lindbulm. That is, if I survived the encounter. 

Blank gripped my arm. "Come on, we'll loose it in the trees," he whispered. We shot off, bounding across the meadow leaping over logs and boulders. The forest loomed ahead of us while, I swear, I could feel the hot breath of the dragon scorching my tail. 

We bound through a pair of trees and tumbled down a small hill. I tripped over a stump and landed with a big smack. 

"C'mon," Blank said, flushed. I rolled onto my back to see the monster hovering over us. Its eyes were clouded with anger. Droll dribbled down its scaly chin. 

It lunged. I rolled to the left, hopping to my feet with my daggers at hand, narrowly avoiding its jaws. 

"Fluffy, you leave them nice boys alone!" 

The beast dropped back and whimpered like a naughty puppy and scurried of. Blank and I exchanged confused glances. 

A woman at a ripe age of forty stepped out from behind a tree. She was plump with frizzy blond hair that stuck out from a tattered straw hat and skin that spilled beneath her chin like hardened wax. She appeared to be in her forties. I found myself avoiding her black-toothed, gaping smile. 

"Don't mind mah Fluffy, he ain't doin' nothing but protectin' his family." 

My eyes met Blank's and we shared a chuckle. We were definitely in the middle of nowhere. 

"Good Marning, boys. The name's Mama Char. Don't get too many strangers `round these parts. Mind me askin' yer names, sugars?" She offered a chubby hand complete with blisters and dirt under her finger nails. 

"I'm Blank and this is Zidane," Blank spoke diplomatically. 

"What, if ye don't mind me asked, are you doin' in these parts?" 

"We're actors separated from out troupe by misfortune, a foolish mistake on our part," I spoke for the first time, wooing her with all my false charm. "We are on our way to Lindbulm." I omitted the fact that we were also thieves. What a gal didn't know didn't hurt her, including old hicks. My ability to win-over affection is a bit more useful than just gaining dates, after all. 

"City-slickers, huh? What troupe?" 

"Tantalus," we chanted in union. I fought to restrain my swelling pride. 

"Never heard of them." I frowned. Bah, what's a stupid hick know about acting? "But you two ain't gonna walk all the way back to the city. M'family owns a farm near `ere an' you can stay with us `til the next trade ship stops an' can take you back." 

"It is appreciated," Blank spoke with soft politeness, "but we don't want to be a burden." He was playing the role of the guest, not wanting to seem to eager to accept Char's hospitality. Even if she put us up in a barn it would have been better than walking all the way to Lindbulm with few supplies. 

"Nonsense, boys. You can send a letter to your friends--we even got our own moogle `round here--and let your friends know you wasn't eaten or nothing. I'll even putcha up in my girls' room. Say, are y'both unattached? Well, wait `til you meet my daughters. Ye wouldn't believe an old hag like me could have a pair of such beautiful girls. They's looking for husbands, mind you!" As we followed Char, she babbled on about how wonderful her children were. I winked at Blank and nudged him with my elbow, playing the role of horny teenager. Either way, hicks or not, we would be spending the evening with two girls who had probably never had had a boyfriend who wasn't her cousin. How lucky could we get? 


	2. Eager Hicks

  
After a half an hour of walking, Blank, Char, and I approached a clearing. Before us stretched a hundred acres or so of gentle rolling hills covered in fields and pastures, dotted with the occasional barn or house. We strolled down a dirt path towards a small, two story cottage surrounded by a picket fence and blooming vegetable gardens. There was a peaceful, naïve storybook feel to the place. Too peaceful, I thought, hoping it wasn't an omen.   
"Mama!" shrieked a feminine voice as the cottage door swung open. A girl appeared in the doorway. She froze as she saw Blank and me, giving us a curious look, eyebrow cocked. The girl was built like her mother, short and round, although not nearly so overweight. Despite her juvenile pig tails and freckled cheeks, she appeared to be in her late teens. I watched Blank eye her developed figure. He smiled coyly and winked at me.   
"Josie!" Char barked. "Get yer sis and get your asses over 'ere an' meet our guests!"   
Josie, the girl, turned back and shouted, "Meg! Mama's done an' brought us a surprise!" She bounded out of the house, pigtails flying and breasts bouncing (I returned Blank's wink) as enveloped us in a big hug and wet kisses on each cheek.   
"Welcome t'Greenburrow!" the bubbly girl chattered as she released us from her grip. "Meg, get out 'ere!"   
Another young woman emerged from the house and approached us, although much more timidly than her elder sister. Meg, as she'd been called, was a scrawny girl of about fifteen with here mom's frizzy blonde hair. She wore an oversized, floral sundress and looked so frail that the wind could push her over.   
Josie immediately locked onto Blank, linking her elbow around his. Meg smiled at me with a bucktoothed grin. She was your typical cute little farm girl. Sun-lightened braid. Rosy, freckled face. Innocent.   
"Aww, maw, you brought us some cute boys!" she blushed and batted her eyelashes. "What's yer names?"   
"Zidane, and this is Blank." I bowed and took her dainty hand, rising it to my lips for a gentle kiss. She giggled, flattered.   
After introductions were made, Mama Char lead us into their quaint cottage. The inside was no less neater than the out. The downstairs was a spotless kitchen, tiny bathroom, back bedroom, and welcoming living room complete with a cushy pink couch and fireplace. Upstairs I assumed meant the girls' bedroom(s).   
Char served us a lunch of some bland, unrecognizable stew. We seated in hard, uncomfortable chairs around an oak kitchen table. I swung my tail in an irritated manner as we were drilled with questions by Char and the girls.   
"My girls are lookin' to get married," Char blurted as she munched on a role. I almost spat out a mouthful of stew with laughter. The girls giggled in unison. Blank looked puzzled and terribly uncomfortable due to these forward women.   
"Why maw, you're embarassin' us," Josie stammered. Meg, who sat beside me, tickled my leg under the table. I batted her hand away with my tail, which she seemed to have overlooked.   
"You have a tail!" she shrieked. Blank and I burst out laughing.   
"Meg, you be polite!" Char snapped. She leaned close. "Now, tell us, darlin'… where you get that cute lil' tail o'yours?"   
Blank smirked from across the table. My foot connected with his knee. That wiped away his spite.   
"I was born with it," I shrugged. What else could I say? I'd been taken off guard by being blatantly asked such a naïve question.   
"Well ain't that so?" Meg leaned close and petted my tail as if it were that of a house cat's. "You can move it an' everything."   
We continued our meal in much appreciated silence. 

Blank and I spent the rest of the day being shown around the farms and drilled questions about traveling and Tantalus. I was awed by Meg and Josie's simplicity. All they wanted was to please their mother by getting married young and having children to inherit the farm. They'd spent their whole lives knowing no other place that the farm—what had they called it? Greenburrow? They'd known no other place. What a foreign concept!   
"Mah great-great-great grandfather founded Greenburrow over a hundred years ago," Josie rambled as the four of us strolled down a dusty path. "Most of the farmers 'ere are his grandkids an' our cousins."   
Later in the evening, Blank left with Josie to find the local moogle. A letter to Baku would let him know that we were still alive. Meg insisted on showing me her bedroom while they were gone. It was a neat, floral bed crammed into a little room with an oak dresser and pink curtains around a little window. Meg plopped down on her bed and peered up at me with soft gray eyes.   
"Zidane," she grabbed my hand and yanked me beside her. She didn't loosen her grip once I was sitting down. "I can't take it no more… you're so handsome and more learned that I'll ever be—"   
"Don't say that," I whispered, using the opportunity to curl my arm around her shoulders. "You could go to school in Lindbulm."   
"The big city? Naw, I ain't cut out for city life. I wanna get married. Mama says I should marry soon and find a strong man, healthy man. A man who ain't my cousin, an' the only single men in Greenburrow are. I like you, Zidane."   
Eidolons, she was absolutely, positively the most incredibly naïve person I had ever met. I was the first unrelated man remotely her age she'd met and she was throwing herself at me. Literally.   
"I like you, too," I spoke softly as I brushed hair away from her face and gazed into her eyes. All she needed to hear was that someone cared for her. She didn't want to be bought with flower or attention. She just wanted a man who'd love her and support the family he'd start with her. Meg wouldn't last a second in the city. A pretty, innocent girl like her would be swooned with fake promises and then be left pregnant or dumped in one of the slum's brothels.   
"I wanna be with you, Zidane," Meg almost whined. She pushed me down against the bed, her tiny body pressing against mine. Her tiny moist lips met mine. We were lost in a mass of wet kisses and heavy petting. Her intentions became clear when she began tugging at my clothing. I peeled off my shirt to receive a hot tongue rolling over my chest.   
Wow, Zidane, I caught myself as I was began to unbutton her dress. Meg wanted to make love with me… plain out have sex. I'd been tempted before by more attractive, sexy women, but they'd been sluts looking for an easy, attractive lay. Meg actually was hoping to spend her entire life with one man, and I happened to be the one she desired. But what if she got pregnant? I doubted that she'd mind. In fact, she'd probably receive a baby with open arms. However, if I knocked up a girl, backwater hick or not, I couldn't just abandon her. But what would I get out of a marriage with Meg? We certainly couldn't share more than our bodies. She would never understand me. How could a farm girl relate to an orphaned thief?   
I gently pushed Meg away. She rolled beside me, breathing hard. "What's wrong? Ain't I a good kisser? Don't you like me?"   
Geeze, I felt stupid. How often was it the man preventing a relationship from going to fast? It was unheard of. A guy is expected to go the pace his girl wanted. He couldn't make the move until she was ready. I could almost hear Tantalus laughing if they were to find out about this little situation.   
"I like you, Meg, but I want to know you." Great Shiva, I couldn't believe what I was saying. "I want to know your dreams and ambitions."   
"That stuff don't matter, Zidane," she practically cried, her face filled with distress. "I'm a farm girl an' I'll always be one. My purpose in life is to get married an' continue the family tradition like my mama and all of her sister and their mama b'fore them. It's hopeless to try and become anything more."   
Meg was inadvertently telling me she didn't dare to dream because she'd spent her whole life being told all she'd amount to was a house wife. Perhaps the only benefit to being orphaned was that I wasn't predestined to follow my parent's footsteps like so many people were.   
"Don't say that, Meg," I whispered so she'd feel at ease. "Your destiny isn't chosen for you."   
"You really think so?" she peered at me with wide, innocent eyes. I held her close.   
"Yes." I brushed her soft, warm cheek. I heard a creak and spun around to see Blank standing in the doorway. He hardly could contain his laughter as I fumbled for my shirt.   
"Uh… I'd hate to interrupt, heh, but I'm supposed to tell you 'supper' is ready," he stifled a giggle.   
"Blank, you silly goose!" Meg giggled.   
"Why don't you head on downstairs, Meg? I want a word with Blank," I urged. She popped up and bounded out of the room.   
"Man, Meg was all over you, too?" Blank asked, helping me up from the bed.   
"Don't tell me Josie was talking marriage to you…"   
"Definitely. After we sent Baku a letter, Josie took me into a loft of one of the barns. She came on to me… and, well, I didn't stop her. Now she acts like we're going to spend our whole lives together… something weird is about those two, and this whole fucking farm. Forget waiting for the transport. I think we should take off first thing tomorrow."   
"Agreed," I nodded. Blank and I headed downstairs, wondering what surprises dinner with this family would bring.


	3. Religious Experience

Sunlight peaked around the drapes, glaring angrily in my face. I grumbled and rolled onto my stomach, burying my face into the flat, understuffed pillow that had been provided by Meg's family. I waited unsuccessfully for sleep to return, twitching my tail back and forth with restlessness. Char had an older son who was married and living on his own. She put Blank and I up in his old room, much to the girls' disappointment. Still, I was not surprised to find Blank had not slept in his own bed. He probably hadn't slept at all. 

I soon grew tired of lying around. I dressed and wandered downstairs to find Char preparing a breakfast of pancakes and eggs. Josie appeared at in the doorway as I sat down, Blank in tote as he welded a satisfied grin. 

"Good morning, boys," Char greeted warmly as she served us. "Sleep well?" 

Blank opened his mouth to speak but promptly shut it when Josie shot him a glaring look. I stared at my plate and took a bite, struggling to subdue my rising smirk. The food wasn't bad, especially the fresh brown eggs I assumed came from the hen house I'd seen in the backyard. 

"Quite well, thank you, ma'am," I said politely, looking up from my plate, slipping into charming gentleman mode. "Your home is as delightful as the presence of your lovely daughters." 

Char glowed with pride. "Aw, you flatter me. You boys think ye'd like to stay with us longer? I sure'd like strong lads like y'all as my son-in-laws!" 

"I sure wouldn't mind," Blank smiled at some private joke. How good of a time had he had with Josie last night? 

"Where'd Meg?" I wondered, noticing her seat still remained empty. 

"Aw, he's attached to her already," Char mumbled to herself, hopes swelling. "She's already left for church. She goes early `cause she sings with them chorusers. Never heard a prettier voice than my Meg! Sings like a bird, she does. My son--he don't live with us, you know--will come by after breakfast and give you boys a ride to the service. Hope yer religious!" 

Neither Blank nor I were, but we didn't mention it. I'm not ashamed to be a dreamer, but I have my own vision of the universe. Sure there was proof that eidolons of gods existed, but what good was worshipping an immortal that one of the gifted summoners could control? Besides, summoners were probably extinct since one hadn't been seen on the Mist Continent in generations. Save the rumors about that cute princess--Garnet's her name?--of Alexandria. But a rumor's just that, a rumor. I'm not keen on living by the gossip I hear. Anyway, these hicks probably worshipped Ceres, the Goddess of Fertility or something like that. I'm no expert. Still, it would be interesting to see what kind of ceremony they put on. 

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. "Maw!" a gruff voice called and the door swung open. I squinted to make out the figure in the doorway without being blinded by the light peaking in around him. He was a big man, broad shouldered and beer-bellied. The family's trademark frizzy blonde poked out from under a dirty straw hat. A hairy chest was fully visible under his dirty overalls. Obviously church wasn't an occasion to dress up for. 

Mama Char ushered us out of our seats and towards the door. "Bubba, these are them two boys I told y'bout last night," she said as she greeted her son with a hug and kiss on the cheek. He peered down at us and broke into a gaping, mostly toothless grin. 

"Them two pipsqueaks is the ones you want m'baby sisters to marry so badly?" he said with his hands on his hips in a motherly fashion. 

"At least I ain't marryin' my cousin!" Josie retorted, curling her arm protectively around Blank's shoulders. Feeling uncomfortable was an understatement. The family was speaking as if we were engaged to Josie and Meg. 

"Ouch," Bubba covered his heart dramatically as if he'd been wounded. "I suppose if y'overlook the belt brow an' furry thing coming out of that guy's ass they ain't too bad. Well, come `long now. Mama wants you two t'get t'know the family so I'm taking you to church." Oh, goody. 

Char shooed us out the door and waved goodbye. 

Blank and I followed Bubba out of the storybook yard towards a shabby cart pulled by a shabbier mule. A tiny, dark young woman sat in the front seat nursing an infant. Her belly swelled with pregnancy under a dusty, faded blue dress. A little girl, hardly past toddlerhood, sat beside the woman holding her hand. 

"This is m'wife of four years now, Helen. She ain't much to look at, but she's a tough little gal. I's hopin' this next baby's gonna be a boy. We lost our second babe to a fever," Bubba explained as we approached. "Pity, too. Lil' feller was a boy. So I's hopin' I married a woman capable o'givin' me another son, a strong one this time." 

I bit my lip to refrain from commenting. How appalling! This man was disturbingly ignorant of the simple biology behind determining a child's gender. 

"Hon, these are them boys Mama saved from Fluffy yesterday mornin'. Told ya that beast was good fer somethin'. He found my baby sisters a couple o'fellers, strange as they are." Helen peered down at as and smiled faintly. She clutched her infant and turned to play with the babe's hair. "Err... what was yer names?" 

"Blank and Zidane," Blank said dryly, not bothering to be charming. Obviously he was an unimpressed as I was. 

"Well I'll be if I heard a pair of stranger names! I suppose I'll have t'get used to `em when y'all marry my sisters." 

What was it with these people and their obsession with marriage? I was getting tired of it all. Bubba didn't give ma a chance to explain. He continued speaking. 

"Helen, you get down from there an' let them new friends sit there," the big man barked. The frail woman lifted her daughters over the seat into the back of the wagon before climbing over herself and settling in on the flat bed covered with straw and something that looked and smelled like manure. 

"Don't worry," Bubba said when he saw the looks of appallment on our faces. "She don't mind, really, she knows her place." 

Blank and I reluctantly clambered onto the bench, squeezing on either side Bubba. 

"Get!" he shouted, cracking the reigns. His beast slowly started down the path towards church. 

In my earlier memories, I can recall spending some time in the care of a grandmotherly lady who took care of kids she found on the street. I couldn't have been more that six. I fidgeted uncomfortably in my Sunday's best, feet dangling off the pew. 

"Pay attention, lad," the granny would say, scolding, when ever she took note of the misty eyed look I obtained when daydreaming. That lifestyle didn't keep my interest long. I ran away shortly after and met Blank. I hadn't stepped into a church since, yet alone thought about that cranky old spinster, but sitting through the lackluster religious session and constant drawling of the priest reading ancient scrolls resurfaced the old memories. 

Perhaps it was worth putting up with Bubba's menacing looks to hear the chorus. Cute girls in matching white robes (although even more who were not so cute) sang a few songs offering thanks to the gods who watched over and the "Mother Gaia" who gave life. I gazed at Meg, whose face was flushed as she stepped forward and led her own solo. I'd preformed in a play about a girl who's song could enchant any man (save the one she loved, but that is how tragedies often go). I preferred action to gushy romance performances, but I believed there was truth behind the suggestion that music is a way to control Gaia's magic. Meg's sweet, high drawls backed with the rest of the chorus wasn't just a simple song about being thankful, it opened the souls of everyone present, allowing just a small glance into the greater harmony of the universe. 

After the service, Blank and I walked solemnly back to the wagons. We rode back with Char, whose daughters insisted they couldn't stand being separated from their "cutie pies." We eagerly obliged, glad the bonding experience with Bubba was through. It was almost a relief to ride in the clean, open buggy driven by Char. The four of us sat in the two benches facing each other while Char perched up front, directing a pair of brown mares. 

Black perched his arm casually over Josie's shoulder, who melted into his side. He's leading her on, I though bitterly. Josie thinks he actually will take her as his bride. She's just a cute girl to Blank, an easy lay and temporary source of attention. I looked down at Meg's dainty fingers, lost in my big, gloved hand. But how much better am I, I thought, making little effort to discourage Meg's fancy? Then again, I wasn't taking advantage of the naive girl by filling her heart with false promises and robbing her virginity and self respect before taking off and leaving her shamed and possibly pregnant. It just wasn't worth it. I loved Blank like a brother, but he didn't think further ahead that his next orgasm. Maybe I was being to hard on him. Josie was older, perhaps as experience as Blank. Who knew? I'm not one who should judge. 

"Wasn't m'sis great?" Josie interrupted my silent debate. "Sure wish I could sing," she continued, "but I ain't able to carry a tune. A rooster got a purdier voice than I do!" 

"Aww, Josie, you flatter me," Meg remarked, squeezing my hand. 

"You fellers like the downtown?" Char called back over the cluh-clap of hooves and squeaking wheels. We passed a few old buildings lining the road. One read "Genera Store" (complete with missing L and all). Neighs, bikas, and cock-a-doodle-doos drifted out of Wilber's Feed-n-Tack while a man in a suit hung an open sign on a saloon. I made a mental note to stop at the bar if we had a chance. 

"Pa should be home," Meg said commentarily with mild excitement. 

"Where was he?" I asked with surprise. I'd assumed they didn't have a father around anymore. Divorce was probably unheard of in this small town. The differences between country life and the city constantly amazed me. 

"Huntin'!" the three barked in unison. Oh boy. Did I dare ask more? 

"Mama, do you think I could go to school in the city?" Meg asked, changing the subject to an even more unpleasant one. She spoke almost jokingly, just curious for a response. 

"Why in tarnation would you wanna do that?" Char chuckled. "Ye know how to read an' write, an' that's more than I could say at your age! Kids these days, always dreamin' of what they dun need!" 

Meg smirked. "I told you so," she whispered and gave me a quick peck on the cheek as if to make up for it. 

"You're right as always, Mama," the girl stated loudly. By this time the wagon was approaching the family's cottage. Meg and Josie hopped off before it stopped and ran to give their father a hug. I eyed the short, plump man. Sunlight reflected off a bald head. At least he wore a flannel shirt under his overalls, sparing us the sight of his beer belly. Slung over his shoulder was an old fashioned weapon I didn't see used much, a rifle. 

Char greeted her husband with a kiss on each cheek. "Welcome back, darlin'! Was your trip a success?" 

"Aye, hon. Nearly crushed when I bagged me a whale zombie, I was." 

"A zombie! I ain't gonna feed my girls rotten meat. `Tis probably enchanted!" 

"Dun worry yerself, luv. `Tis only a sport. Now, who are these strange fellers? Do I dare hope me daughters went an' got hitched?" 

"Not yet, but soon enough," Char answered with a wide grin. 

"Daddy, this is my little Blank and that'un is Meg's Zidane. Ain't they cute?" 

The man snorted and peered up at us. "Humph. Queer lot if y'ask me, but I's seen worse. Why don't you girls go inside with yer mama and make lunch?" 

The girls nodded and followed Char into the house. When the door shut, the man unslung his weapon and used it to support his weight as he casually leaned against the barrel. 

"Well, I've never seen a man w'a tail or a feller with a belt around his head, but yer still better suitors than any of the folks in Greenburrow. Y'all like me girls, no?" 

"Yes sir," we chanted. 

The father scooped up his rifle and leveled it at our chests, waving it between the two of us. I nearly knocked the weapon aside and plunged my dagger into his gut. 

"You been talkin' purdy to my girls?" We nodded vigorously. "Well, I can't settling for no boys hurtin' my babies' feelin's!" He butted my check with the gun. "Now... ye both are gonna keep yer promises, right?" Rapid nods. "Good. Hope tomorrow ye'll still feel the same way `cause m'rifle `ere ain't keen on fickles who change their minds." 


	4. Midnight Chase

"Psst, Zidane," Blank hissed in my ear, roughly shaking my shoulders. 

"Get the fuck off me, man," I could vaguely recall mumbling in half-sleep. 

"I'm not joking, monkey-boy, this might be our only chance." I struggled to part my eyelids to see Blank's dark silhouette. Memories of the previous day came flooding back. 

"Aw, man," I muttered, rubbing my head. Josiah, the girls' father, had announced at dinner that we'd asked him for his daughters had in marriage. A lie, of course, but how could we tell the gleeful Josie and Meg otherwise when they squealed with delight and embraced each other. He said we'd have it done the following day so we could take our new brides on a honeymoon to Lindblum. Then, bidding Tantalus farewell, we could settle down on the farm. The situation had become dire. It would be more dangerous to stay in Greenburrow than crawl back to Lindblum. 

I rose and helped shove our few belongings into a rucksack and pulled on my boots. Groping beneath my pillow to find my daggers; I wouldn't felt secure until they were safely hanging from my belt. I gave Blank a quick nod and he crept out of the room. 

Sneaking out of the family from Hell's house was an exhilarating experience. Believe me, I was more nervous than any of the times I'd nearly been caught stealing. Risking years in jail or even being killed seemed an unrealistic consequence if I were found robbing some crusty old noble, buried beneath the rush that accompanied my "hobby." If Blank and I were unable to escape Josie and Meg, we'd suffer the worse possible fate. Forced marriage. 

We crept out of the room. I kept a gloved hand on Blank's shoulder as he fumbled for the railing. Gently padding down the stairs, we froze as a board creaked. My tail shot straight--a nervous reaction--as we listened to see if we'd roused any of the family. After a drawn, pressing silence we continued. With each step my heart quickened, threatening to thump itself straight out of my chest. Our gate to freedom loomed closer. I could hardly contain a yelp of glee as I reached the door, eagerly turning the knob. 

"AHHH!" 

A blood curdling scream--Blank's and my own--cut the silence. 

"Grrrrarough!" replied the dragon. Wait... dragon!? 

"Shit!" Blank hissed, hitting the ground and dragging me with him. Fluffy--the dragon--`s massive head filled the doorway. Firey breath hissed through the air above us, scorching our backs. A light flicked on upstairs. 

"Good heavens!" Mama Char gasped, appearing at the top of the staircase. "What, dare I say, is goin' on here?" 

The girls appeared behind her, craning to see over their mother's broad shoulders. Blank and I looked up at the trio from our floor stakehold. My mouth hung open as I scrambled my brain, but no appropriate response arose. 

"Fluffy, you dun't ye dare flame in my house!" she scolded, see the wisps of smoke arising from his nostrils. The breast scurried away, whimpering like a naughty puppy. 

"Now or never," Blank whispered, his face meeting my eyes. I nodded, and we were up in a flash. Blank, being one to think on his feet, threw up a stage magic vanishing potion I didn't realize he had. A cloud of smoke materialized in the doorway. 

I fled with adrenaline mustered speed. My feet hardly touched the ground as I all but flew away from that horrid farmhouse, Blank just a step behind me. 

"Josiah! Josiah! Get yo' lazy ass outta bed, them boys are escapin'!" 

"Mama! Do somethin'!" 

"I don't wanna loose another fiancé!" 

"Grrraroughgar?" 

"Shut up, you stupid dragon, and go get them!" 

We took off down the dirt road. The moon dipped low in the horizon, casting enough light to see the rolling fields of Greenburrow. Our pace slowed, the fatigue of our sprint catching up to us. 

"Blank, let's get out of the open," I said between gasps. I gestured towards a grove of deciduous trees beside the road. I suppose being called a monkey, as I often am, isn't a bad comparison. I pulled myself into the higher branches with ease, offering a hand to Blank. 

Long minutes passed. Blank and I sat in our hiding place among the trees, both too nervous to speak. He nudged my rib with his elbow, gesturing towards the wide figure of Bubba and another man coming down the path. I clamped down on my lip as I peered down at the passer-byers. 

"Yer pa's got the whole town out lookin', ain't he?" said the stranger. 

"Aye, an' `e better `cause them boys hurt my sisters, I dun know why them city boys always do this to my baby sissies. If Fluffy dun chew `em real good when he sniffs `em out, my pa's gonna make `em real sorry to run away like that." 

As I leaned closer to hear the conversation, my foot slipped. I tumbled forward, falling between the branches. My tail curled around one of the lower wooden shafts, and I hung ridiculously upside down. 

"Hey! There's thatun monkey-boy now!" 

"Damn you, Zidane! You're clumsiness got us in this situation in the first place!" Blank hissed, dropping to the ground with his sword drawn. I flipped down beside my companion, my twin daggers flashing into my hands. 

"Zade, you go an' get my papa," Bubba grunted, standing menacingly before us. The other man nodded and took off shouting. 

"We found `em! We found `em!" 

"Look, Bubba," I said with a shrug. "We don't want to have to hurt you, so if you'd kindly let us pass--" 

"I dun think so!" the pig-like man snorted, charging us. We rolled on either side of him, my dagger catching on his shirt and leaving a shallow gash across his belly. 

"Aaaargh! Y'stupid little pricks are gonna pay fer this!" he shouted, clutching his gut. 

I hopped onto my feet, readying to flee once more, when something caught my eye. An airship loomed into view, the buzzing engines growing louder. 

"BLANK!" I screamed, pointing an excited finger. "LOOK!" 

If Blank had eyes in the normal sense, they would have widened with surprise. "Man, I've got to be seeing things!" 

With a newfound burst of energy, we sprinted in the direction of the ship. It hovered over a field, sprays of air pressing the wheat flat in the breeze. By this time, the whole town had been alerted to our location. 

"Mama, there they are!" 

"Blankie-poo, don't run away from me, you silly boy!" 

"Raroagh!" 

"You tooty-fruits get back here or I'll shove me rifle up yer asses!" 

I peer up at the airship as it loomed overhead. In the artificial light powered by the mist engines, I could see the silhouette of Tantalus. 

"What are you guys doing down there?" asked Cinna with a crocked grin, his club resenting casually on his shoulder. 

"Lower the ladder, idiot!" Blank shouted. 

"You two better have an explanation for disappearing on us! You know how much trouble we went to in order to come here and save you?" Baku's voice boomed. 

"Come on boss, this ain't no time to joke around!" I whined. 

I glanced over my shoulder. The entire mob was charging towards us from across the field. The girls carried torches as the walked, holding up their skirts and giggling as if this were some game. Mama Char welded a pitchfork. Bubba, shirt bloodied, raged about how he was going to tear us to bits. Josiah rode upon the back of Fluffy, the dragon, with his gun barrel gleaming. 

I never climbed so fast in my life. 

"Hurry up," I growled, slapping Blank's butt. 

"Yeah, yeah." 

We collapsed onto the deck, finally relaxing. Our companions circled around us. 

"You'll never believe what happened to us," I said with a wry grin. 

"You're right, we probably won't," Marcus commented with obvious sarcasm. 

"Sugars, y'all were lucky we got you out of there," Ruby said. I cocked an eyebrow. 

"Your accent..." Blank said, reading my mind, his disbelief clear. "You're not from..." 

"I'm from none other, dollface! Why do y'all think we came so fast to rescue you when we's got y'letter? Char's my auntie, y'know! This sort of thing happens whenever young men pass through the town, why do you think I left?" 

My mouth gaped and drew into a smile. Blank and I were sent into a fit of childish giggles. Imagine, after all that! Things certainly made sense, considering one as odd (although beloved) as our Ruby would come from such a wacky farming community. 

As the ship pulled away, I took one last look at Greenburrow. Char and Josiah angrily waved their pitchfork and gun. Josie and Meg clung to each other, waving. I swear, I could hear them say, "Bye, boys! Come visit us again soon!" 

And that, my friends, is the exciting conclusion to the weirdest experience of Zidane Tribal's young life. 


End file.
